Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
Beginners Edition
Vol. I
So, you’re experiencing the apocalypse?
This guide will help you to prepare for survival during end-of-days.
Should a zombie be
chasing you at the moment, please stop reading and run. You may resume reading
when convenient. Thanks to modern technology, this manual is available in
portable, run-friendly formats. *
*CAUTION! Running with anything (particularly scissors) can
be extremely dangerous, especially when zombies may be lurking about. You
should probably just pay attention to what you’re doing and read this manual
when you think you are safe.
What is a Zombie?
The dictionary defines a zombie as:
Zom-bie [zom-bee]
Noun
1.
a.
The body of a dead person given the semblance of
life, but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil
purpose.
b.
The supernatural force itself.
Examples:
A snake god worshiped in West Indian and Brazilian religious practices of African origin.
A drink typically made of several types of rum,
citrus juice, and often contains apricot liqueur.
Members of congress.
If your particular zombie slithers, needs a tiny umbrella, or
wastes taxpayer dollars then you need our other survival guide:
How to get a zombie to
reach across the aisle… and 21 other neat party tricks.
This Manual is for
type 1 zombies only.
You should probably exercise…
*Consult with your physician prior to starting new exercise regiments.
When it comes to evading evil undead hordes, the addition of a
good exercise program could be the difference between living and living-dead.
Remember the tortoise and the hare? When racing zombies, you
don’t need to be the hare…you only need to NOT be the tortoise.
Try these body weight only moves from nerdfitness.com to
become less tortoise-like:
- 100 jumping jacks to get warmed up.
- Set a timer for four minutes.
- Do as many push-ups as you can - write down the number. Move immediately onto #4
- Do as many air squats as you can – write down the number. Move immediately onto #5
- Do as many pull-ups as you can - write down the number. Immediately return to #3 and repeat the process until 4 minutes is up.
Repeat steps every two days. Be sure to keep track of your
total number of repetitions for each exercise and try to do more the next time
you workout.
*Be sure to allow 24-48
hours of recovery time between workout sessions.
Are Zombies Real?
Well, it would be pretty silly to invest all of my time making this manual if they weren’t real, wouldn’t it?
How to distinguish between those that say, “Eat me”
and those that actually will.
Observation is very important when coming across unknown
individuals. Being able to differentiate between people and zombies is a matter
of life and un-death.
Did you just watch them die and now they’re moving around?
If yes, then they are a zombie. If no, continue reading.
Are they trying to eat you? If yes, then they are probably a
zombie. If no, then they are probably not a zombie. However, you should
consider shooting them anyway, just to be safe.
The following chart will help to identify the living status
of unidentified persons:
How to hoard
Selecting weapons
Close range
Blunt Weapons
If you are still unsure as to the degree of livingness of
this person, ask the following:
“Do you like bath salts?”
If they say anything other than “No,” then they definitely are
a zombie, and are likely plotting to eat your face.
How to hoard
1.
Find stuff
2.
Keep it.
Things you want to find:
Must Have:
Jugs of water
Canned foods
Can opener
Twinkies ! These are very important, see page 27 Other People and page 28, Group Dynamics
MRE
Blankets
Pillow
Medicines
A weapon (See Weapons)
A Knife (See Close
Range-Bladed Weapons)
Warm Clothing
A bag to carry things in
Flashlights
Batteries
First aid kit
Personal hygiene products
Should have:
Matches
Rope
Plate
Silverware
Maps (See Using
Maps)
Change of clothes
Walkie-Talkies
A good book
This manual
Bicycle
Selecting weapons
While it is true that almost anything can be used as a weapon
against zombies, some weapons prove to be more effective than others. The
following list details some of the most commonly used anti-zombie armaments
currently known to man. The list has been divided into three sections: close
range, medium/long range, and mass destruction weapons.
Close range
Generally
reserved for hand-to-hand combat situations, close range weapons are usually
your last defense. Close range weapons are divided into two sub categories,
blunt weapons and bladed weapons.
Blunt Weapons
Bats
Shake Weights
Various types of Hammers
Crowbars
Bladed Weapons
Chainsaw
(Works best for S-Mart employees named Ash and for
Leather-faced cannibals from Texas)
Crossbows
Swords
Scissors
Knives
(As we learned from crocodile Dundee, some knives are more
menacing than others. Use caution when considering your blade options.)
! Become familiar with weapon safety. Do not attempt
to use any weapon that you are not trained to use properly.
! Proper weapon maintenance must be used to ensure
continued function of weapon.
Medium/Long range weapons
A medium/long range weapon is any weapon that can harm targets
from greater distances than hand-to-hand weapons. These weapons offer a greater
combat advantage as they provide less reaction time for the target.
Slingshot
(Only
proven results for those named David, although arguments have been made in
favor of Bart Simpson.)
Guns
There are many type of guns including long guns, short guns,
Gatling guns, squid guns, hand guns, shotguns, BB guns, Nerf guns, cap guns,
etc. It is strongly advised that you accumulate as many guns as possible
regardless of type.
! Proper weapon maintenance must be
used to ensure continued function of weapon.
Mass Destruction Weapons
A mass destruction weapon (MDW) is any weapon that can inflict
a large amount of death and destruction. These weapons can cause great damage
to naturally occurring objects as well as those that are man made. Some MDW’s
cause significant and lasting damage to the environment. The use of such
weapons is not usually recommended, although they are pretty awesome.
Rocket Propelled Grenades
Rocket Propelled Chainsaws
Rocket Propelled Velociraptors (optional
chainsaw model pictured)
Pretty
much anything rocket propelled.
Holy
hand grenade of Antioch
Instructions for use:
"And the Lord spake, saying, First shalt
thou take out the Holy Pin.
Then, shalt thou count to three, no more,
no less.
Three shalt be the number thou shalt
count, and the number of the counting
shalt be three.
Four shalt thou not count,
nor either count thou two, excepting that
thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out.
Once the number three,
being the third number, be reached, then
lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of
Antioch towards thy foe, who being
naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
To operate:
1. Pull
Pin
2. Count
to 2
3. Throw
toward intended target
4. Take
cover
Tactical nuke
Tactical Nukes are
obtained by reaching 25 consecutive kills in the online mode of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. It is
the most difficult kill streak reward to obtain. In “Zombies” mode, the nuke is
a power-up icon. When a player unlocks the nuke, all on-screen zombies are
instantly vaporized. Also, each player that is alive at the time will receive
400 points once any additional zombies are killed.
Tank
All Terrain Scout Transport (AT-ST)
*Actual Specs
and operations procedures for the AT-ST are unknown to the earth-bound human
race, but if you find one of these things you are pretty much guaranteed to
survive this particular apocalypse.
! Become familiar with weapon safety.
Do not attempt to use any weapon that you are not trained to use properly.
! Proper weapon maintenance must be used to ensure
continued function of weapon.
Using maps:
1.
Get a map (works best if map is of the current
area that you occupy).
2.
Determine your whereabouts
3.
Determine area most likely to be safe.
4.
Go there.
5.
Determine area most likely to be overrun by
walking corpses.
6.
Stay away from this area (See figure 5.1)
Fig 5.1
You didn’t know you needed a map? (See How to Hoard)
! It is
strongly advised that you stay away from areas like: New York City, Washington
D.C., and most of the state of California as these areas tend to be occupied by
large amounts of brain-dead zombies…apocalypse or not.
Getting Tactical: When, where and how to barricade.
When:
Once you have located and cleared a structure that can be
easily fortified to defend against the evil dead. It is recommended that you
find this place as soon as possible to avoid potential exposure to zombies.
Where:
Wherever you find this place, we can’t do ALL of the work for
you.
Ideal places include:
·
Secluded farms (preferably on an elevated hill).
·
House
·
Small Island
·
Boat
·
Hot air balloons
·
Castles (with or without moat)
·
The moon
! All research
suggests that the moon has always been zombie free. However, be advised that
some research suggests that the moon is actually an alien spaceship.
Places to avoid:
·
The mall
·
Hospitals
·
Strip Clubs
How:
Board up windows and doors, and then NEVER stand in front of
them. As our extensive research has shown, if given the chance, zombies will
always surprise a human who is loitering in front of windows and/or doors.
·
Have supplies (See How to Hoard)
How to hide from the undead.
If you paid attention to the sections that detail mapping
neighborhoods and how to barricade, then you may have located a moderately
zombie-free neighborhood. In addition, you may have found and zombie-proofed a
defensible structure. If this is the case, no further action may be necessary.
Just stay inside, pay attention, and be quiet.
If not, address those chapters and proceed accordingly.
It’s a group activity:
These are the types of
people you want to recruit for your survival group:
A
redneck
* Caution. While
having an authentic redneck group member is vital to the success of you group,
having multiple rednecks is detrimental to the group. In fact, having multiple
redneck members often results in multiple unwanted group member fatalities. These fatalities are often preceded by phrases like “Hey, watch this!” and
“Hold my beer for a sec.” It is strongly advised that you only keep one active
redneck group member.
A Leader
A woman that distracts leader
A Ninja
*Every group is better with a ninja, provided
you can find one.
A wise elderly person
A kid who wanders off and gets into trouble
A scientist
A combat veteran
A token black guy who dies early on (Hey, we don’t make the rules…at least T-Dogg lasted until season 3!)
A criminal with a conscience
*We
know From Dusk Till Dawn is a vampire
movie, but Seth Gecko was awesome! Besides, did you see his wicked tattoo?
The other people. These are the people that are in the group
that you never get introduced to but always see in the background.
*These other people are arguably the most important to have in
your survival group as they tend to do most of the chores like cooking,
cleaning, general labor, and they make excellent zombie bait (See Group Dynamics). It is advisable to keep
as many of this type of group member as possible because you never know how
many zombies you’ll need to distract.
Group Dynamics: Attending to group diversity.
·
As our extensive zombie apocalypse research
shows, Twinkies increase in value exponentially during end-of-days scenarios.
Therefore, it is strongly advised that you acquire a large
quantity of the delicious sponge-cake treats. Twinkies may be used as a
post-apocalyptic currency or (perhaps more importantly) they can be used to
fatten up other group members.
It is strongly advised that you keep plenty of children, elderly, and/or obese group members that can be used as distractions and/or bait. (See other people)
How to kill zombies
Things might get messy:
Research shows that most fatal blows to zombies are cranium
related. Body blows are tolerable, as they will slow the attacker down, though
they are not fatal. See Figure 10.1 for ideal locations to attack in order to
ensure zombie termination.
Fig 10.1
